As part of my healing process, I am writing this. For anyone who has gone through sexual trauma, I wish you healing and peace. I hope you will become empowered from my experience.

On March 9, 2019, I went to my massage appointment just as I always had with my masseuse, Jason. I usually book a 1.5 hour relaxation massage but they had a 2 hour one so I took that one instead. I usually go with my husband but he wasn’t available so I took my sister to go get one also. I had been going to Jason for almost 3 years with no incident but this time, it was different. The massage started out the same as usual but then towards the last 15 minutes, he pressed his hands over my breasts. There was no accident about it as he continued to fondle me and I tried to use my hand to let him know that I was awake but he brushed them off and continued anyway. I was frozen and my heart was beating outside of my chest. I didn’t know what to do or think, was this really happening to me? I waited until the ordeal was over to where I could go to the front and report him. He acted as if nothing happened after the massage and as soon as I saw light in the reception room, I went up to the receptionist and asked for the manager or owner as soon as possible. I could tell she was flustered as she probably wasn’t expecting me to say that. A couple of minutes had passed and I didn’t want Jason to see me so I told another receptionist that I needed a manager or owner now. She made a call and took me outside to ask what was going on and all I could get out was my tears. I wailed and I wailed as I told her what had just happened to me. She hugged me and assured me that the owner was on their way to the spa.

I waited in the car while telling my sister and we both just became lifeless. The owner showed up and called to see where I was and I pointed her over my direction. I cried again and she told me that she was sorry and that she would dismiss him immediately and take him off the floor. She advised me not to call the cops but to put in a complaint against his massage license. After that ordeal, I decided to call the cops because I needed to document this tragic event. The cops showed up and it was two male officers. They took my statement but didn’t seem too focused on my situation. One of the officers was so casual, they commented on how annoyed they were that people kept texting them. I just went through a sexual assault and he was complaining about his texts – I was floored. They entered the salon to speak with the owner and Jason and came out to tell me that he denied everything so they weren’t able to make an arrest. I wailed and I screamed because I could not believe it. The officers didn’t care to call in any forensics to swab my breasts for massage oil or fingerprints and left us with a piece of paper to send to a detective to evaluate my case. I never felt so empty. We didn’t hear anything for two weeks and I sent in the paperwork for the district attorney to file criminal charges and prosecute Jason but they denied my case and stated that there was a lack of evidence. My heart just sank, I did everything by the book but yet nothing happened. I felt robbed of justice because I didn’t want Jason to do this to anyone else. I wasn’t going to stop. I also filed a complaint against his massage license with the State of Florida and they found cause to move forward to revoke or suspend his massage license. I was hopeful that I was going to stop Jason from doing this to anyone else. I decided not to pursue a claim with the business since they terminated him and was going to file a civil lawsuit against Jason. It wasn’t until I spoke with an attorney who asked if he was still working at the salon and I said I was sure he didn’t since the owner said she was going to let him go but I decided to call 5 months later and sure enough, he was still working there. My heart just sank, I couldn’t believe it.

I knew then what I had to do and that was to file a civil lawsuit against both the business and Jason. I was not going to let them both get away with this. After filing my lawsuits, I realized how slow the justice system is. You only meet every 1-2 months and it’s about proceeding with the lawsuit and then you wait another 1-2 months to meet again. It was draining but I was willing to risk it all because it was worth fighting for. I was grateful enough to have a boss who allowed me to go to my court dates and to keep fighting my cause. 

It’s been almost two years and I am still waiting on the State of Florida to push a hearing on his massage license and my civil lawsuit is still going with no new updates. I called the State of Florida to ask if Jason was still allowed to work if there is a case pending against him and they said he was able to still work. I just couldn’t believe it. No one seemed to want justice more than me as the attorneys weren’t pushing hard enough and I didn’t know if it was even worth fighting for anymore.

Now I understand why sexual assault victims do not come forward. Oftentimes, their experiences are dismissed/discredited or they have to go to court so many times that they can’t risk losing their jobs. We have to come up with a better system to help these victims. There has to be better training for our police officers and government officials. Nothing is more invalidating than going through something like this and nothing being done about it. 

To this day, I still have PTSD from my trauma. It usually happens at night and it keeps me awake. I think about the situation over and over in my head and what I could have done instead. My husband reassures me that I reacted correctly and that I should have never been put in such a situation. My mental health counselor also validates that as well. It’s hard not to think about it and the what if’s but I know that I must look forward because I cannot change the past.

To my victims, continue being strong. Do not let your abuser win. We will receive our justice, whether here on Earth or in Heaven. Do not be discouraged. I am with you, we will continue the fight and get through this together. Do not lose hope. We have so many reasons to keep moving forward, I hope you never stop.

Sincerely,

Melissa Lee

Writing this specific piece was not an easy task at all but I feel that it will give insight and encouragement to those who may be feeling the same way as I do. I hope this post brings you love, hope, and encouragement.

On December 1, 2019, I shared my testimony in front of English service at my church. I shared about all the traumatic things that had happened to me such as my rape, my demons, and my recent sexual assault. I didn’t share to amplify those events but to show how God’s grace carried me through each and every moment when I should have fallen into pieces. I also shared about how God’s sovereignty was my only source of hope in the midst of all those hardships. I could have chosen to become a victim to any of those traumatic events but instead, I chose empowerment. I also talked about becoming certified in Mental Health First Aid and what that meant for me. It never felt so beautiful to be so vulnerable in that moment because the only person who received the glory was God.

Little did I know that in that same week, I was going to lose my best friend who had struggled with mental health. She had gone missing that following Thursday on December 5^th with letters written to each family member and friends so she was a high-risk missing person. I didn’t know but she changed her phone number two weeks prior because I had received a text from a Minnesota area code that night she went missing that said, “Thinking about you! Just miss and love you!” At first, I thought someone was prank texting me and I was way too old for that so I asked some friends if they knew who’s number it was but no one did. I tried calling that number but there was no answer. The next morning, I woke up to a flurry of texts saying the number could have been my best friend because she is now missing. My heart dropped. I tried calling that number again and again but there was no answer. I then became restless and couldn’t even focus on getting ready for work. I cried that morning harder than I had ever and then proceeded to go into work. I couldn’t even focus and my heart was not as ease and I called my boss and told her that I had to leave to go find my friend. Thankfully, my boss was very understanding and asked that I take care of that first and not worry about work. I purchased the next flight out to Minnesota from Florida. I called the siblings of my best friend and told them I was coming up to help them find her and they said they would update me where they were once I landed in Minnesota. I had a connecting flight in Chicago and was going to land in Minnesota at 2:30PM, leaving Florida at 10:30AM. As I took off on my first flight, my friend’s sister messaged me and told me that if I hadn’t boarded my plane yet to not do so because they found my friend’s body and she was no longer with us. I was in disbelief. I had to ask her 7-10 more times to confirm and sure enough, she confirmed that indeed, my best friend was truly gone. I’ve never had to hold in my tears ever before and it was one of the hardest things to do as I sat in the middle seat on the plane next to two strangers.

How, how could this be? There’s no way she’s really gone. It’s impossible. There has to be a mistake but there wasn’t. She was really gone. I was still going to go to Minnesota despite hearing the news. I needed to and I just needed to get through one more flight. Once I landed in Chicago for my connecting flight, I ran to the restroom and I just sobbed as quietly as I could in the bathroom stall. I wanted to scream, kick, yell at the top of my lungs but I couldn’t. I composed myself and then headed to my next flight.

Once I landed in Minnesota, I didn’t know how I felt. I picked up my rental car and headed to my friend’s house to meet her family there since they were coming back from the search. We all got there at the same time and I saw her brother and I just asked if it was really her and he nodded his head and we both just embraced each other and cried. We entered the house and I just dropped to the ground because I was so heart-broken. Her mom comforted me and took me upstairs to my friend’s room and we both just looked around the room and cried until we couldn’t anymore. We went through her stuff and just asked ourselves how something like this could happen. The rest of the weekend was rough but it had to be done. I went home that Sunday after seeing her family and friends and I was glad that I got the closure that I needed in regards to my friend’s disappearance and death.

I thought that would be the end of my tears for a while until the funeral but I was wrong, very wrong. My husband picked me up from the airport and I just cried the whole way home. My heart was still hurting and it was going to hurt for a long time. I got on my computer and looked at old photos and videos of my friend and I. We were just together in April for my 30^th birthday, everything seemed perfect then. There were no signs, there were no indication at all that this was going to happen. I was so frustrated and angry that I just screamed and threw everything across the room. My life would never ever be the same after that day.

Days went by and it didn’t get better. My husband and I were preparing to go home to Oklahoma for Christmas with our families and then head to Minnesota for my friend’s funeral. I didn’t know what to expect but I knew I had to go in strong. When we headed to Minnesota for the funeral, God had made a way because we never encountered any bad weather despite all the weather warnings up north. Once we got into Minnesota, we checked into our hotel and met up with the family to go over some last minute things.

The next day was the first day of her funeral. When they wheeled her into the funeral home, my heart was so sensitive. I was not ready to see her like this. I’m always so used to seeing her smiling, laughing, making jokes but not like this. As they set her on the post, I prepped myself up and I went to go see her. My heart just filled up with so much hurt again that I cried and I cried. It was really her. I am really here for her funeral.

As her funeral services started, I saw so many familiar faces that shared the same pain and hurt that I do. I am so grateful to her family that they asked me to do a speech during her funeral. It meant so much to me.

Some of my friends who attended the funeral were asking me to go with them to go see my friend in the casket as they didn’t know if they had the strength to go by themselves. I was shocked because I was sure that I was the weak one that needed strength from others yet they were the ones asking me for strength. This was such a humbling moment for me as God showed me that in my weakness, He was my strength.

The last day of the funeral was the hardest. It was the last time that I would ever see her beautiful face and I was not ready to accept it. My heart had went back to the same angry hurt before and I just screamed and cried my eyes out. The elders tried to calm me down but it was no avail. Nothing could calm my heart at this moment and they didn’t understand that I just needed to mourn for my best friend. I never stopped crying from when I saw her for the last time before they took her to the hearse to the time that she was buried. I couldn’t have stopped, even if I tried. It snowed that day and I haven’t seen snow in years but that day, it snowed and only on that day. It showed to me that my friend was still with me and cared for me. There was at least 10-15 inches of snow that day. I knew that God saw me and my hurt. I knew that He was going to take care of her and for me not to worry.

I thought that was the final closure for me but it wasn’t. Something was churning inside of me and I had no idea. I spent the rest of the holidays with my family and it felt good to be surrounded by loved ones to remind me that this life is still wonderful. My husband and I flew back home to Florida and settled in but my heart was not at ease. I started having these anxiety attacks and grew most hostile towards my husband. I didn’t want to be near him and I didn’t want anything to do with him. This was the start of a dark, dark time.

Thinking that I had overcome my best friend’s death, I tried to tend to life normally but nothing was normal about it. I started pushing everyone away, even my closest friends. I started thinking negatively about all the people in my life and how they were not faithful friends like my best friend who passed away. I started comparing all my relationships to my best friend and none of them passed the test. I was far from healing and was headed towards a darkness that was ready to engulf me at any moment. I started keeping a journal to write out my thoughts as I didn’t know who I could trust with all that I was going through. I was so angry with the world that I felt myself falling into the same darkness that took my friend away. I didn’t know how to get out and I didn’t know what to do. The darkness continued to consume me each and every day and it showed. I didn’t like doing the things I did anymore and just always wanted to be in isolation. I was so lost in the darkness that I barely recognized myself.

This went on for weeks and months on end. My friends and family were feeling the strain of me pushing them away and it didn’t bother me one bit because I was consumed in my emotions. They worried about me and wrote me every week to check up on me but I had no answers to soothe any of their concerns. I knew that I had to get out of this slump or else I may even lose myself.

Then it happened, the light finally came but it came and hit hard first before it comforted and consoled me. Shane and Shane’s song, “Though You Slay Me ft. John Piper” came on and it made me hurt all over again but this time, it was for the better. I knew that I had to make things right with God again so my heart could heal. I got on my knees and I prayed, I cried, and I mourned. This was what true mourning looked like. I finally realized that God understood my pain and my hurt, if not more. He was in way more pain than I ever will be in regards to my friend’s death. I was reassured that He will indeed take care of her and she will be at His right hand and I needed to trust Him and His plans.

In the days of darkness, even though the sun was out, I couldn’t feel it. In the days of the light, even when the sun wasn’t out, I could feel its warmth. The light came and it overtook the darkness easily. All the hopelessness in my soul became filled with love and joy. I was free again from the chains that once bound me to darkness. I thank You, Jesus!

I realized that this doesn’t mean that I won’t cry anymore because I definitely will but I have someone to mourn with. I don’t have my friend here with me anymore but I still have her mom who has become my strong pillar when I have my weak days where I just need to cry. I realized that I need to cry when I need to, there’s no need to try and hide it. It’s all a part of the healing process and it has done me so well. I do not miss the dark days at all, in fact, I do not remember them. I give praise and glory to my God who has stood by me through all of my days.

God, if it weren’t for You, this broken heart would never heal.

I also sought mental health counseling for myself. I had endured a sexual assault and my best friend’s death in 2019 and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I also didn’t want to bring the trauma with me into 2020 as much as I already had. I was ready for healing. My mental health counselor was amazing, understanding, and wonderful. She validated everything that I felt and empowered me from it. If you or anyone is struggling with mental health, please seek professional help. It is not shameful in anyway. Even with myself being certified in Mental Health First Aid, I needed counseling. It has been the best first step I took towards healing.

Another song that helped me heal, “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle. It is such a beautiful song.

Yours truly,

Melissa Lee