Writing this specific piece was not an easy task at all but I feel that it will give insight and encouragement to those who may be feeling the same way as I do. I hope this post brings you love, hope, and encouragement.
On December 1, 2019, I shared my testimony in front of English service at my church. I shared about all the traumatic things that had happened to me such as my rape, my demons, and my recent sexual assault. I didn’t share to amplify those events but to show how God’s grace carried me through each and every moment when I should have fallen into pieces. I also shared about how God’s sovereignty was my only source of hope in the midst of all those hardships. I could have chosen to become a victim to any of those traumatic events but instead, I chose empowerment. I also talked about becoming certified in Mental Health First Aid and what that meant for me. It never felt so beautiful to be so vulnerable in that moment because the only person who received the glory was God.
Little did I know that in that same week, I was going to lose my best friend who had struggled with mental health. She had gone missing that following Thursday on December 5th with letters written to each family member and friends so she was a high-risk missing person. I didn’t know but she changed her phone number two weeks prior because I had received a text from a Minnesota area code that night she went missing that said, “Thinking about you! Just miss and love you!” At first, I thought someone was prank texting me and I was way too old for that so I asked some friends if they knew who’s number it was but no one did. I tried calling that number but there was no answer. The next morning, I woke up to a flurry of texts saying the number could have been my best friend because she is now missing. My heart dropped. I tried calling that number again and again but there was no answer. I then became restless and couldn’t even focus on getting ready for work. I cried that morning harder than I had ever and then proceeded to go into work. I couldn’t even focus and my heart was not as ease and I called my boss and told her that I had to leave to go find my friend. Thankfully, my boss was very understanding and asked that I take care of that first and not worry about work. I purchased the next flight out to Minnesota from Florida. I called the siblings of my best friend and told them I was coming up to help them find her and they said they would update me where they were once I landed in Minnesota. I had a connecting flight in Chicago and was going to land in Minnesota at 2:30PM, leaving Florida at 10:30AM. As I took off on my first flight, my friend’s sister messaged me and told me that if I hadn’t boarded my plane yet to not do so because they found my friend’s body and she was no longer with us. I was in disbelief. I had to ask her 7-10 more times to confirm and sure enough, she confirmed that indeed, my best friend was truly gone. I’ve never had to hold in my tears ever before and it was one of the hardest things to do as I sat in the middle seat on the plane next to two strangers.
How, how could this be? There’s no way she’s really gone. It’s impossible. There has to be a mistake but there wasn’t. She was really gone. I was still going to go to Minnesota despite hearing the news. I needed to and I just needed to get through one more flight. Once I landed in Chicago for my connecting flight, I ran to the restroom and I just sobbed as quietly as I could in the bathroom stall. I wanted to scream, kick, yell at the top of my lungs but I couldn’t. I composed myself and then headed to my next flight.
Once I landed in Minnesota, I didn’t know how I felt. I picked up my rental car and headed to my friend’s house to meet her family there since they were coming back from the search. We all got there at the same time and I saw her brother and I just asked if it was really her and he nodded his head and we both just embraced each other and cried. We entered the house and I just dropped to the ground because I was so heart-broken. Her mom comforted me and took me upstairs to my friend’s room and we both just looked around the room and cried until we couldn’t anymore. We went through her stuff and just asked ourselves how something like this could happen. The rest of the weekend was rough but it had to be done. I went home that Sunday after seeing her family and friends and I was glad that I got the closure that I needed in regards to my friend’s disappearance and death.
I thought that would be the end of my tears for a while until the funeral but I was wrong, very wrong. My husband picked me up from the airport and I just cried the whole way home. My heart was still hurting and it was going to hurt for a long time. I got on my computer and looked at old photos and videos of my friend and I. We were just together in April for my 30th birthday, everything seemed perfect then. There were no signs, there were no indication at all that this was going to happen. I was so frustrated and angry that I just screamed and threw everything across the room. My life would never ever be the same after that day.
Days went by and it didn’t get better. My husband and I were preparing to go home to Oklahoma for Christmas with our families and then head to Minnesota for my friend’s funeral. I didn’t know what to expect but I knew I had to go in strong. When we headed to Minnesota for the funeral, God had made a way because we never encountered any bad weather despite all the weather warnings up north. Once we got into Minnesota, we checked into our hotel and met up with the family to go over some last minute things.
The next day was the first day of her funeral. When they wheeled her into the funeral home, my heart was so sensitive. I was not ready to see her like this. I’m always so used to seeing her smiling, laughing, making jokes but not like this. As they set her on the post, I prepped myself up and I went to go see her. My heart just filled up with so much hurt again that I cried and I cried. It was really her. I am really here for her funeral.
As her funeral services started, I saw so many familiar faces that shared the same pain and hurt that I do. I am so grateful to her family that they asked me to do a speech during her funeral. It meant so much to me.
Some of my friends who attended the funeral were asking me to go with them to go see my friend in the casket as they didn’t know if they had the strength to go by themselves. I was shocked because I was sure that I was the weak one that needed strength from others yet they were the ones asking me for strength. This was such a humbling moment for me as God showed me that in my weakness, He was my strength.
The last day of the funeral was the hardest. It was the last time that I would ever see her beautiful face and I was not ready to accept it. My heart had went back to the same angry hurt before and I just screamed and cried my eyes out. The elders tried to calm me down but it was no avail. Nothing could calm my heart at this moment and they didn’t understand that I just needed to mourn for my best friend. I never stopped crying from when I saw her for the last time before they took her to the hearse to the time that she was buried. I couldn’t have stopped, even if I tried. It snowed that day and I haven’t seen snow in years but that day, it snowed and only on that day. It showed to me that my friend was still with me and cared for me. There was at least 10-15 inches of snow that day. I knew that God saw me and my hurt. I knew that He was going to take care of her and for me not to worry.
I thought that was the final closure for me but it wasn’t. Something was churning inside of me and I had no idea. I spent the rest of the holidays with my family and it felt good to be surrounded by loved ones to remind me that this life is still wonderful. My husband and I flew back home to Florida and settled in but my heart was not at ease. I started having these anxiety attacks and grew most hostile towards my husband. I didn’t want to be near him and I didn’t want anything to do with him. This was the start of a dark, dark time.
Thinking that I had overcome my best friend’s death, I tried to tend to life normally but nothing was normal about it. I started pushing everyone away, even my closest friends. I started thinking negatively about all the people in my life and how they were not faithful friends like my best friend who passed away. I started comparing all my relationships to my best friend and none of them passed the test. I was far from healing and was headed towards a darkness that was ready to engulf me at any moment. I started keeping a journal to write out my thoughts as I didn’t know who I could trust with all that I was going through. I was so angry with the world that I felt myself falling into the same darkness that took my friend away. I didn’t know how to get out and I didn’t know what to do. The darkness continued to consume me each and every day and it showed. I didn’t like doing the things I did anymore and just always wanted to be in isolation. I was so lost in the darkness that I barely recognized myself.
This went on for weeks and months on end. My friends and family were feeling the strain of me pushing them away and it didn’t bother me one bit because I was consumed in my emotions. They worried about me and wrote me every week to check up on me but I had no answers to soothe any of their concerns. I knew that I had to get out of this slump or else I may even lose myself.
Then it happened, the light finally came but it came and hit hard first before it comforted and consoled me. Shane and Shane’s song, “Though You Slay Me ft. John Piper” came on and it made me hurt all over again but this time, it was for the better. I knew that I had to make things right with God again so my heart could heal. I got on my knees and I prayed, I cried, and I mourned. This was what true mourning looked like. I finally realized that God understood my pain and my hurt, if not more. He was in way more pain than I ever will be in regards to my friend’s death. I was reassured that He will indeed take care of her and she will be at His right hand and I needed to trust Him and His plans.
In the days of darkness, even though the sun was out, I couldn’t feel it. In the days of the light, even when the sun wasn’t out, I could feel its warmth. The light came and it overtook the darkness easily. All the hopelessness in my soul became filled with love and joy. I was free again from the chains that once bound me to darkness. I thank You, Jesus!
I realized that this doesn’t mean that I won’t cry anymore because I definitely will but I have someone to mourn with. I don’t have my friend here with me anymore but I still have her mom who has become my strong pillar when I have my weak days where I just need to cry. I realized that I need to cry when I need to, there’s no need to try and hide it. It’s all a part of the healing process and it has done me so well. I do not miss the dark days at all, in fact, I do not remember them. I give praise and glory to my God who has stood by me through all of my days.
God, if it weren’t for You, this broken heart would never heal.
I also sought mental health counseling for myself. I had endured a sexual assault and my best friend’s death in 2019 and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I also didn’t want to bring the trauma with me into 2020 as much as I already had. I was ready for healing. My mental health counselor was amazing, understanding, and wonderful. She validated everything that I felt and empowered me from it. If you or anyone is struggling with mental health, please seek professional help. It is not shameful in anyway. Even with myself being certified in Mental Health First Aid, I needed counseling. It has been the best first step I took towards healing.
Another song that helped me heal, “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle. It is such a beautiful song.
Yours truly,
Melissa Lee